November 7th, 2007
– Cairns, Australia
Ok, I’m back. I figured instead of writing lame group emails about my travels, I’d rather let the pics speak for themselves. And since I tend to ramble quite a bit, I’m going to try to keep it in short point form. Stop me if I go on too long (like right now….)
Alright, since our last episode, I arrived in Brisbane, and spent too many days there. It was pretty boring, with no beach or anything to speak of. It was a nice city, but too much like Van, and after my voyage to HK, I was pretty disappointed to be there. That, and the fact that I was finally realizing that I was truely on my own for 6 or more months. So after I spent 2 days crying in my room, I went out and explored Brissy.
This was my hostel. It had waaaaayyy too many douchebag frat boys at it. And one of the guys in my dorm had been in it for over a month. He hadn’t sent his sheets to be washed ever. It smelled in there like wet dog. Nasty….Brisbane is a big city, with clubs and a river. Nothing too exciting. But I did get to go out to the Koala Santuary, and meet my first of the terrifying Australian creatures.
Looking back at these pictures, I still amaze myself I was so brave to get so close to these beasts.
Enough of this lame city stuff. I came to Oz for the beach. So I headed east of Brissy, to a small surftown called Noosa.
Beaches that went on for miles. This is Sunshine Beach, close to my hostel. Soo wicked….
Just past this beach was Alexandria Beach. If you look closely, you can see lots of old man balls. Like everywhere. Seriously, everywhere. It was the nude beach in Noosa. And I had to walk across it to get to the national park. So with my hat lowered, I looked at the beautiful sand beneath my sandals and tried not to look up. Why is it whenever your on a nude beach, there’s never anyone even remotely attractive on it. Unless, of course, you’re into the old, fat, grey haired nasty-ass type.
So as I was in a small surftown, and as they say, “When in Rome” I went onto finish that and said, “hop on a surfboard and try not to look like an ass”.
“Learn to Surf” the company was called. Underneath, it highlighted, “Guaranteed to stand on your 1st day!!!” Really” Well, then, if its guaranteed, then I suppose I have nothing to lose.
As I got lost and arrived late, I threw my board in the circle while the other guys were getting instructions. “Hold on, mate” said the instructor, “Can you join that group so we have even numbers”” I looked over, and saw a small, burnt to shit instructor surrounded by 6 girls no older that 13, and an old lady. Sweet.
My instructor’s name was Max. His ears, nose and lips looked like pieces of raw bacon (mmmmm….bacon) after being in the sun way too long. He called me Rhino.
So they guaranteed to stand on your first time, but the way you did it wasn’t REALLY surfing. Basically, you’d walk out in the knee deep water, and one at a time, Max would straight out someone’s board, hold onto it until you got on, then give you a push with the wave and instruct you to stand. It wasn’t really surfing, but I did stand. And I was the ace student too! All those other weak, unco-ordinated girls kept falling off because they probably didn’t weigh enough and kept on getting blown over by the wind. Wusses. But Max was proud of his Rhino, and I dominated those waves.
I think I look pretty cool, until you look at the old lady behind me standing the knee deep water.Whatever….she wishes she had the mad skills I have…
So confident of my first day, I rented a board from my hostel, and went out the next day. But George Costanza said it best, ” The seas were angry that day, my friends. Like an old man trying to send back soup at a deli ” And that old man was slinging ladels of split pea and manhatten chowder EVERYWHERE!!!
Soon, I learnt that the easiest thing to do in surfing, is standing up. The paddling out to the wave, turning around at the right time, paddling again with the wave, and then catching it at the right time to stand were the hard parts. And after I paid to rent the board, I had all day to fail. I felt a bit better when I ran into Max on the beach, when he said, ” Rhino! You picked one hella a shitty day to practice. Don’t get too hard on yourself, its bloody choppy out there!” It made me feel a little better, but not much. After getting thrashed around over and over, I’d sit up on the beach, tired and frustrated, and think about the tale I’d have to tell. And then I’d think about how I could tell this story and have the epic ending where I was finally able to stand above the massive waves and dominate. Then I’d go out, and get tossed around like a lost sock in the dryer. The only time I was actually able to stand, was when my fin dug into the sand. I had a small laugh, and tucked my board between my legs and headed for dry land defeated.
After my defeat to the surfboard, I needed a new experience. And “CRIKEY!!!” I had just the thing. I went to the world famous, Steve Irwin Australia Zoo.
We miss you buddy!
Here, there were Crocs everywhere. Mean looking sons of bitches!
They also gave me a good education of the animals of Australia.
Unfortunately, I didn’t get to meet Croc Hunter’s next of kin, as little Bindy was off doing promotions for her “Kidzercise” DVD out in America now! (seriously….) Its too bad, cause I would’ve like to meet the creepy little 30yr old, in a 12 yr old’s body. But Steve’s will be sleeping soundly in his grave, knowing that his empire is safe in young Bindy’s hands. She has franchised absolutely everything, including Bindyware.
“I want to be just like my daddy” Creepy little brat….
After fours days of surfing, crocs and creepy kids, I left Noosa and headed for the largest sand island in the world. And since my internet is probably costing tons right now, I’ll post again soon. So much for point form…..
On our next episode, the sand and flies of Fraser, and that time I almost died on the Great Barrier Reef.
Love and miss you all,
posted Wednesday November 2007