Ryan Lowe – Rylowe – Australia 8

First off, I’m PISSED. I just spent the last hour and a 1/2 writing this blog and then pressed a button and lost it. ARGGG!!!. It was a lot funnier than this one will be. Sorry.

(WARNING: Will contain very random script and racial slurs. Viewer Discretion Advised)

Soo…….I’ve been slacking on my blog and forgot to bring my camera. Still to come, the adventures to Hippytown on my birthday, and my first venture into Sydney. But for now, some random things I’ve noticed on my travels.

– The Spork. Aussies are all about it. Go to any fastfood or takeaway joint, they’ll have one. Even the Asian food places, who don’t even have chopsticks for you to use. Just a plastic spork. But like Seinfeld said, you don’t see people pruning the rice paddies with a couple of pool cues.

– Asians are taking over the world. Seriously. I know some of you have already joined our team, either saddling up alongside one of us, or having the yellow fever, but all the whiteys better get on the bandwagon, cause the Asian Express is moving.

My first blog once I arrived in Australia was to be titled, “From Looking Like Everyone, to No one” documenting my travels from Hong Kong to Brisbane. But that’s not the case. Now, I know Australia’s very Westernized, and the Asian Invasion is all over that, but its crazy here. I’ve walked down streets in Sydney and Cairns and not seen a single whitey. There are Aberdeen Centres (a la Richmond) all over the place. The Hip Hop Stores are even run by us!! And then you get the funny Asian puns for restaurants that attract the whiteys. Places like, “Wok On In” and “Wok This Way” and “Thai Me Up” and “I Need to Get Malay-ed” (k, I made up that last one….) Rerry rerry creava….

Here’s another one…

– Asians imported into Westernized Culture, love me. If the direction of television doesn’t go anywhere when I get back, than I can rest assured that I can always have a future as a Pop Star in Asia (remember, Hung Low??) Asians guys flock to me like a dingo does a baby (btw: I’ve finally heard the history of that story. Crazy….)


Because I’m tall, and can pronounce my R’s and L’s- they are my initials of course..- they cling to me like white on rice (that’s a little ironic, don’tcha think?) Like in Brisbane, when a young Korean fellow approached me at the bar, and asked where I was from. We exchanged the usual traveller info, which led us to what we did back home. Surprise surprise, he was a computer tech. Then I told him I used to be on the radio.

“Like radio? You talk? Like radio DJ? You talk? DJ? You talk? Ahhhhh…………”

He’d go on to introduce me to some Korean girls he met at the bar, and then some English blokes, then some Germans from his room, and some other randoms he’d never met. Each time saying,

“He talk! On radio! Like DJ! He talk!”

While I appreciated him introducing me to others with icon status, it was a little weird.

Then there’s the times I’m looking for places to live here in Sydney. Often, you can tell when an Asian Slumlord is posting something, like this for example, which is directly copied and pasted from the website:

110 A WEEK TO SHARE ROOM INCLUDING BILL! security building fully furnished fully equipped kitchen telephone WIRELESS INTERNET laundry & dryer SWIMMING POO GYM sauna *** Free rice…….Free tissue paper

[email protected]

Seriously. You’d be amazed the amount of ads that post “Free rice” as insentive to stay at there place. So I’ve checked out some of them, going into a nice highrise, onto the 28th floor, in the middle of downtown Sydney, to a nice 3 bedroom apartment. Which slept 11.

3 in each bedroom, each the size of a walkin closet, then one outside on the patio and one in their “own room” for $210 per week, which was in the dining area of the kitchen, closed off by a thin piece of wood and a shower curtain. Needless to say, I’m still without a real home. Enough Asian stuff, onto more…

– Many Australia places are named from the Natives, just like home. One night, I was comparing places with a guy from Sydney I met.

I said, “Okanagan”

He said,” Cunnamulla”

I said, “Osoyoos”

He said, “Maroochydore”

I said, “Saskatoon, Saskatchewan” (his favorite)

He said, “Wooloomooloo”

They have some other funny names for things. Similar but different.

– Burger King = Hungry Jacks

– Ketchup = Tomato Sauce (which bugs me. What’s our tomato sauce then?)

And their brand names, one kind of peculiar.

Coon Cheese? Its their most classic, famous cheese. Like our Kraft. And I know there’s not tons of “African” peeps here, but seriously….. How ’bout introducing “Honkey Butter” and “2% Chink Milk”. A little distasteful, me thinks.

Okay….I’ve blabbered on enough. Thanks for reading. I’ll be doing a real update soon, hopefully with some good news that I’m staying in a Asian Slumlord’s basement, eating free rice, and performing Spice Girl covers as the young Korean fellows go crazy.


Love y’alls.


Posted from Australia:

posted Saturday November 2007